When you boil down the goal of parenting to its most constituent elements, it’s all about preparing a brand new human for the world around them. This can take quite some time to do. Heck, some people rarely feel fully grown until they’re in their thirties!
But as parents, we can do the best we can, and that often means providing our children with the means to be confident, to gather self-respect, to limit their anxiety and fear, and, ultimately, to deal with the tragic elements of life understanding what they are.
Now, this doesn’t have to begin immediately of course. How we expose and explain various negatives to our children is the art of every parent. Many parents choose not to tell their children that their beloved dogs have passed on, they prefer to suggest they were given to a local gamekeeper or farmer to help tend their sheep (or something similar) as it’s a white lie that can be easier for a younger mind to understand.
Explaining loss to your small child is not always going to fit that timeline however. That’s because loss rarely sets an appointment to visit us, but can happen suddenly. Even if it doesn’t, loss never feels fine just because we accepted it.
So, how can we explain this to our child without upsetting them too much? Let’s consider that below:
Set Up A Loving, Nurturing Environment For Conversation
If we’re to have this conversation with our beloved children, it’s important to set it off as well as we can. Make sure you have a clear afternoon or evening where they’re not too tired or in a bad mood (we all know how children can sometimes be) From there it’s essential to approach this conversation with warmth and patience.
Your child will likely pick up on your tone and body language, so stay calm and composed, even if the topic is emotionally challenging for you too. You don’t have to overthink it, as simply sitting close to them, holding their hand, or making eye contact can reassure them that they’re not alone in navigating these feelings. This can reassure them that while the conversation you’re about to have might be heavier than they’re used to, they’re in a loving space and aren’t in any trouble.
Be Gentle, Tell Them The Truth, But Pass On Some Of The Details
Here honesty is vital, but so is sensitivity, and it’s important to remember that. If you can use age-appropriate language to explain what has happened, and avoid euphemisms that might confuse them. Saying someone “went to sleep” can make a young child fearful of bedtime for instance. Instead, gently explain that the person or pet has passed away and won’t be coming back.
Now, some parents might have something of a spiritual or religious belief here, such as explaining how their loved one is in heaven, but that’s not up to us to assert in this post. But many parents choose to help use concepts like this to soften the blow of the information, and that doesn’t make you a worse person.
Just remember that when explaining, you don’t need to overload them with all the details. For instance, if the loss involves a medical condition or an accident, simplify your explanation to what’s essential, such as saying they “felt ill or poorly” for some time, or that it’s normal and natural in old age and they had a lovely and long life.. This approach lets them process the information without feeling sacred and worried as well as sad.
Explore Your Next Steps & Help Them Grieve
After they’ve had a little time to process the news, you can guide your child through what happens next. There are several options here, such as the funeral or memorial service depending on where in the process you are, creating a keepsake, or visiting a meaningful place to say goodbye instead. Some people prefer not to bring their little ones to a funeral they are too young to understand, especially if it’s an open-casket funeral, and that’s fine.
Memorializing the person or pet can help your child process their grief too, and it gives them a token that feels like a tangible memory of them. For example, selecting something special from Memorials.com, like an urn or frame, can give them a real way to understand their loss, especially if it’s displayed in the living room or a more communal space. This shows that even when people are gone you don’t have to forget them, which can be comforting to a young mind grappling with this sad newer reality.
Don’t Try To File Away Any Negative Emotion
It can be tempting to try and limit any emotion your child feels which is negative, and that’s because we want to protect our kids for understandable reasons. But the truth is that by doing this, such as constantly distracting them, you could be harming more than helping. The strange and somewhat sad irony here is that children need to learn about the sad elements of life and in a controlled and measured way. They become more complete people when this is exposed to them, within reason.
That’s not to mention that children, like adults, may experience a wide range of emotions after a loss, including sadness, confusion, anger, and sometimes even guilt. It’s important to let them feel these emotions and assure them that it’s okay to express them – and to help them work through those that aren’t helpful, like the guilt we netioned.
So, be there for them, and provide a shoulder to cry on if they need it, but don’t rush to “fix” how they’re feeling. It’s better to, validate their emotions by accepting them and even talking through them can help much more.
With this advice, we hope you can better explain the concept and specific reality of loss to your little one with care and courage. It’s not a nice process, but one that ultimately helps your child become more mature and understanding.
Image: Pexels – CC0 License